i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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