I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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