Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
