took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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