so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
