Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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