i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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