I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
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Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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