"it" just moved
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
