brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
