Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
