my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
