im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.