New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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