I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
