Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
