i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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