I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i need some magic done to my vagina
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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