He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
