Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
two words: eviction party
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
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In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
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I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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