You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
