I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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