Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
