Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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