cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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