Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
how drunk are you?
Several
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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