I just pynch a tree in the face
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
