is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
