Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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