Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
