I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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