where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
