I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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