I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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