he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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