We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I've blown a few things in my day
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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