I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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