The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
