Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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