Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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