i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
