Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
