When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
