I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
