Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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