hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
