I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
