I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
whose ass print is on the piano?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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