she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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