i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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