you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
