Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize