sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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