You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
