By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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