Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
